Since mid-adolescence, I have been a self-identified and labeled procrastinator.
“I work better under pressure.”
“I do my best work the night before.”
“I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ve got plenty of time.”
These are some of the statements I would tell myself and others to rationalize my procrastination. Have you used these lines as well?
Sidebar: I distinctly remember someone telling me that I’m too good at rationalizing bad behavior and decisions. I disagreed at the time, but I am starting to see his point.
I am certainly no stranger to getting work done early or starting a project well in advance. Better yet, I’ve successfully followed my backward planning schedule to meet my goal. However, there are an equal number of, if not more, cases where I procrastinate on a project and then complete it under a stress-inducing timeline.
My memories of procrastination
High school
Throughout my life, procrastination has manifested in numerous ways. Lately, I’ve been taking some time to reflect on each of these manifestations. In high school, I remember staying up late to write a history paper that was due the following day. I spent half of the night crying out of frustration and the other half with my parent sitting next to me as I wrote and talked out my essay. For the rest of my time in high school, I remembered that terrible night and asked myself why I waited to do my work so late in one of my most challenging classes. I did not have an answer but I did start going to extra help with my teacher for feedback on papers well in advance.
College
During my junior year, I was unable to get my work done for a good portion of a semester. This was not entirely procrastination. The extraneous things happening in my life led to a lot of stress and anxiety. However, as I look back on that difficult time, I remember intentionally doing busy work for my organizations and extra-curricular activities before addressing my school work. By the time I was ready to sit down and do my work, I was conveniently exhausted and would think “I’ll do it tomorrow.” I followed this cycle and spiraled into a state of complete disarray by the end of the term. Thankfully, I was able to complete the semester and continue my undergraduate career. Shoutout to my dean, advisors, and counselor. Since then, I thought I had shaken the procrastination bug, but I was wrong.
Present-day
As of late, my procrastination has manifested as distracting myself and doing easy projects rather than challenging projects and tasks that require deep thought and intentionality. For example, at work, I will be aware of a project that is important for my future and rather than working on my project, I will spend hours entering data that is not time-sensitive at all. A personal project that I’m working on is putting together a research proposal and it’s been an arduous process. This is something that I started last year and gave up on because I did not plan properly nor did I believe in myself. Reinvigorated, I picked up the project a few months ago and I felt like I was on a roll. My passion was fueling me and things were falling into place until they weren’t.
The pattern re-emerged. In the time I had scheduled and mentally dedicated to my research proposal, I would distract myself with social media, visit friends and family, do chores, play with my dog or anything else that was not my proposal, followed by “I’ve got plenty of time.” The proposal is due in a few weeks.
Digging deeper
As I reflected on this disturbing pattern of procrastination, I dug deeper. I spent time pondering during therapy sessions, meditations, and any downtime and eventually had an aha moment. I was uncomfortable at my discovery that I am not as confident as I believe. Under this pattern of distraction and putting off work, is a mound of self-doubt that sounds something like “If you don’t really try, then you did not fail” and “someone else’s work will be better, so why bother?” This is what I’ve identified, with years of practice retraining my thoughts, as self-incriminating negative self talk or psyching myself out. Thankfully, this doubt comes in waves and I am not constantly tearing myself down. I know what this looks and feels like because I also used to do that incessantly. stay tuned for a future post for more details 🙂
self-preservation
The self-doubt serves a dual purpose as a protective measure. By protecting myself from failure or rejection, by not trying or giving my all, I immediately have an explanation for a less than favorable outcome. I realize that I am potentially preventing myself from gaining amazing opportunities and experiences, but at times it is easier to prematurely cut my losses, instead of being disappointed later.
This is a mindset that lays low and strikes when I’m at my most vulnerable point, which will sometimes lead to a downward spiral of negative self-talk and heightened self-doubt. I have moments when I feel on top of the world and very capable and competent but the moment a new challenge presents itself, my default is to highlight why I am not qualified or capable rather than highlighting my ability to try or learn. It’s a strange feeling to put into words.
As I work through whatever task is in front of me, there are ways that I shake my doubt for long enough to get some work done. However, I largely remain in this negative space about myself until I complete the project and then leave behind the difficulty that I experienced.
Revisiting my proposal
I’ve spent months talking about this proposal with family and friends. Many of them are speaking a successful acceptance into existence and I was on board until I tried to put my ideas and thoughts down on paper. The same debilitating self-doubt creeps in every time I sit to write out the next phase of my project. Then, I spiral and spend more time deconstructing and bashing my project than building it up. Eventually, I will shake my doubt with some meditation, music, exercise or a conversation and get some work done. A few days later, I find myself in the same low point and repeat this cycle of combating doubt.
Combatting self-doubt
Music
One tactic that I use to combat my self-doubt is music. I actually have a “real motivation” playlist that I created during my post-graduation funk that proves helpful to this day. A lot of the lyrics are focused on success, owning my awesomeness, and feeling good. They are not a cure-all but they do help reduce the frequency of negative self-talk about my abilities and potential.
Support system
Another good tactic, if you are lucky enough to have one and realize it, is leaning on your support team and talking through your fears and doubts. If your friends are anything like mine, they will remind you of your capabilities and provide some insight and tips for when they struggle with doubt. I am truly blessed and I hope you realize that you are too!
Movement
Lastly, I get some endorphins flowing when I’m in a funk. I imagine that anyone who has read any of my other posts is not surprised by a mention of physical movement. I’ll take a break and go for a walk, bike ride, or do some yoga for a pick me up. The effects aren’t always long-lasting but they certainly do help.
This is something that I am currently working through and will likely struggle with in the future. The bright side is that now I am more self-aware of the ways that I get in my own way and the reasons that I do it. I know that I won’t wake up tomorrow without an ounce of self-doubt. However, I am better equipped today than I was a few years and even months ago.
Have any of you experienced something similar? Have you taken time to look at the relationship between procrastination and self-doubt in your life? Are they connected for you? Do they manifest together or are they unrelated? Did this post illuminate anything for you? Feel free to share your experience in the comments or directly with me!
Take a look at this weeks challenge deconstructing self-doubt to dig deeper!
